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The Onion Passed On This Writing Packet (2019)

In the Summer of 2019 I gave myself a week to work up a submission packet for the satirical news icon, The Onion. In that time I wrote around 500 headlines that I cut down to 15 and wrote a comedy piece, something that I've never done before. 

Here's the product of that work! They passed on it! I tried to make my piece very weird, I can't even tell if it is funny or not!

Headlines: 1. Biden Offers Free Butterscotch Candies To Secure Youth Vote

2. Terrible Relationship Determined Successful After Appearance On ‘Kiss Cam’

3. Update: Kevin Spacey Look-Alike Convention Cancelled Due ONLY To Inclement Weather, And No Other Reason

4. Man Who Refuses To Go Down On Girlfriend Adheres To Five Second Rule

5. Cancer Patient Dies Due To Lack Of GoFundMe Donors

6. Incredible Ass, Still Farts

7. Crying YouTuber Cashes In On Recent Personal Tragedy

8. Local 12-Year Old Placed On FBI Watchlist After Googling ‘Boobies’

9. Trump Border Wall Defeated By Entire SlamBall League

10. Hungry Hungry Hippos Only A Bit Peckish Today

11. Humanity Beta-Testing Complete. God To Improve Design Before Full Launch

12. Local Youth Pastor: ‘My Vape Juice Runneth Over’

13. Jared Kushner Schlorps Back Into White House Wall After Meeting’s Conclusion

14. Miss Piggy, Kermit Voted Celebrity Couple You Most Want A Threesome With

15. Gangs Of Citibikes, e-Scooters Rumble In Parking Garage For Municipal Dominance Comedic Piece: I Saw Former Piglet Star ‘Babe’ Perform Standup Last Weekend (And I’m PISSED) By: ‘Shithead’ Steve Ganorava Babe, most famous for break-out roles in Babe and Babe: Pig in the City, performed a god-awful standup set at the Oklahoma City Tickle-Bone this weekend. That has-been opened his show with a series of high-pitched squeals followed by nearly-inaudible grunts and oinks. Clearly he hasn’t quite figured out the intricacies of mic work. Of course, he was instantly recognizable for his turn in the 90s playing a fictionalized version of himself attempting to become an award winning sheep herder. The ‘95 film was so successful that a trite sequel was made by Mad Max creator George Miller, turning his career around from a string of oft-forgotten flops. Although billed to perform at the club under the title “Big-City Pig: Babe from Babe and Babe Pig In the City,” the curly-tailed burnout refused to recreate any scenes from either movie. The scenes that made him famous to begin with! I mean, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but you and I and John D. Everyman are the reason he’s famous anyway. The extremely charming ‘Babe’ made over $400 million at the box office and its gutter-trash sequel still managed to grab $70 million of the public’s hard-earned rent money. After the opening barrage of ear-splitting nonsense that little drunk chuckled to himself and followed up with, “Just kidding guys, but can you imagine?” His first actual joke was such an eye-roller that it started to dawn on all of us what we were in store for. “I was at Starbucks the other day and when the lady asked for my name she thought I was flirting with her!” You know, this sort of thing makes me sick; a celebrity coasting by on name-recognition alone. If he wanted to be a working standup (although, he made enough money to retire by this point) then he needs to hit the open-mics and really hone his chops. I have to give it to the not-so-little-anymore guy though, he was able to hold his own against one of our finest character actors, James Cromwell, at such an early age. But then again, he hammed it up way too hard in the completely lifeless sequel and has failed to make anything of note since 1998. And I know what you’re thinking, “you should take it easy on the poor guy, being ultra-famous at that age is hard,” and I agree to a certain extent...but after he pointed a guy in the front row out and said, “I may be a talking pig, but I can still pork your wife,” all bets were off. I don’t care how many car accidents and arrests that junkie low-life had, he’s dead meat to me. Determined to hog up the spotlight, the non-kosher prick went WAY over his allotted time but the venue was too nervous by his star power to hold him to the proper standard. Even after the part where he tried hocking his “lifestyle brand” whatever that even means. I feel so bad for the other acts who had their time trampled over. Sidebar: Later that night after leaving that jocular lobotomy I checked out his brand. It was called The Wiggly Piggly™ and it was just pages upon pages of 15-second videos of him doing different iconic dances like he’s some kind of Judson ‘Evolution of Dance’ Laipply. It starts off amusingly enough seeing a farm animal do the The Humpty Dance but by the time he gets to a full rendition of OK Go’s inimitable Here It Goes Again music video, complete with Hollywood-level superimposed dopplegangers of himself filling out all four roles (split into dozens of posts, I might add) it starts to lose its luster. This next part is, admittedly, extremely petty, but it needs to be pointed out! He looked awful...I mean truly disgusting. Babe has grown out of his cute-wiggle and little-jiggle faze and has fattened up. He smelled like he had been rolling in shit right before lumbering on stage and hadn’t shaved in a week. The stench slowly permeated the room and you could tell the exact moment it hit each row. Again, apologies for such boarish details, but he made it become an integral part of the experience. Perhaps the worst joke of the evening was when 0-time Oscar nominee Babe went into bits about airline food and he delivered them in an antagonistic voice as if the joke was on the hackiness of airline food comedy. But he didn’t change anything up at all. “You ever notice how bad airline food is? You’d think all of that bag-checking money would go to a few spices or something!” Not nearly as clever as he seemed to think it was and in a word: embarrassing. He was getting visibly upset with how the set eventually flamed out but I refuse to cut him any slack. You reap what you sow, asshole. Go snort up somewhere else next weekend swine PIGGY-PIGGY PORCINE OINK! OINK! OINK! DO YOU GET IT NOW? YOU RUINED YOUR FIRST MOVIE PIG IN THE CITY WAS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO MODERN CULTURE!!! YOU SQUISHED-NOSE BASTARD! Steve Ganorava graduated in 2003 with a Masters degree in Journalism and a B.S. in Communications from Iowa State University. He has written freelance for thirteen years. 


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©2019 BY ZACHARY J. TERRELL